I Got Jokes - Am I Ready For Parenthood?

I’ve heard people contemplating parenthood ask the question - How do I know if I'm ready to become a parent?

Well, you are in luck! I’ve been working with the world's foremost experts on using advanced visualization techniques to help you construct a “mental model” to see how you will react to becoming a parent.

First, Close your eyes, take a few deep cleansing breaths. Relax your shoulders. Are you nice and comfy? Fantastic.

Now, imagine the messiest roommate you've ever had in your life. Do you have that visual in your head? Dig deep. Try and bring up a sense memory, something visceral. Like how pissed you were when the roommate left a peanut butter & jelly sandwich to rot under their bed and you had a mouse infestation. Or, how their room smelled when they left some underwear they peed in wadded up in the corner for days. Or, the pain you felt when you walked over a bunch of sharp items they left scattered all over the floor in a really inconvenient place like in front of the shower unbeknownst to you while you were in it.

Perfect. Now imagine that same roommate also really doesn’t like to wear pants when it’s socially and hygienically appropriate e.g. at the dinner table or when sitting on the couch watching TV. Even when you insist this roommate get their darn pants on, they won't. Or, they might for a bit and then mysteriously the pants will be off again in five minutes.

Are you still breathing? Good. You are making progress. I’m so proud of you.

Now, imagine that roommate can literally NEVER find their shoes. When it’s time to leave for work, when it’s time to go to a movie, when the house is on fire, they’re looking at you like you are speaking ancient Sumerian when you ask them where their shoes are. There’s nothing, not even a flicker of recognition about when or where they might last have had their shoes.

I just want to check in here. Are you still relaxed? Feeling good. Great.

Now, imagine that this roommate wants to spend all of your money on useless items like puffy paint or fidget spinners or digital coins to get to the next level of a game. Things you can’t eat or pay your rent with.

But, the roommate still wants to eat your food and live with you rent free for at least 18 to 30 years.

Are you still with me? Still breathing? Amazing.

If you are still in your zen-like, deep meditative state, congratulations, you are super-human and will raise a new type of mutant who eats stress for breakfast, and you will more than likely bring homemade cookies (not store-bought) to all kid events.

If you are broken out into cold-sweats and feeling general malaise, but still breathing - congratulations - you are also ready to become a parent. You’ve had a taste of the emotional and psychological demands of parenthood and still managed to get oxygen in and out of your body. You’ve got this! Go forth and enjoy the crazy ups and downs of parenthood. Just don’t forget to breathe or to buy store-bought treats whenever possible.