Don't Hate The Players, Hate The Game
Sometimes I think about all the contradictory advice that is given to women about how to be successful in the workplace.
The Working Woman’s Guide To Giving Good Face in 2019. Note: She’s smiling in each one:) That is critical. Because, if you are not smiling you are making people uncomfortable.
Smile. But, not too much. Stand tall, feet planted. Shoulders thrown back. Don’t show cleavage but wear clothes that fit your body to show you are a woman. Dress the part. Don’t cry. Show authentic emotion. Hold boundaries fiercely or you are a pushover. But, be prepared to show your feminine “soft” side or else you’ll be known as the “b word” (whether that is bitchy or bossy, I couldn’t tell you).
Share your ideas openly and give credit to others. Don’t be afraid or tentative to self-promote. Negotiate hard. Ask for all the money. But, don’t tell people that money motivates you. That’s not what people want to hear. You should be in it for some other purpose first.
You CAN have both a career and children. Just don’t ever talk about your children. Or, bring your incredibly relevant experience of raising humans to your managerial duties. Wait to have babies until you are established. Actually crank those puppies out early. We offer amazing maternity benefits. Go ahead and take your maternity leave but don’t take it for too long. Your job won’t be waiting. Plus, we aren’t sure if you are going to be as focused after you come back. But, if you don’t have kids then you are obviously a career focused shark who can’t love or be loved. You are the “b word” again - barren.
Opt-out. Lean In. Have a mentor. Be a mentor. Network. Achieve work-life balance. Be attractive and fit. Bossy is good. Bossy is bad. Show your smarts but not too much. Keep getting professional accreditations. Take risks. Work twice as hard for half the pay. If you are a woman of color, less than that.
It is maddening.
Our imaginary commentators. It was actually very hard to find a picture of two women TV broadcasters that weren’t dressed like they were going to a cocktail hour actually looking at each other and discussing something!
I was thinking of how to poke fun in a way that highlights the absurdity of the standards, advice and reality of being a working woman…
I had an idea that two Australian hosts (because everything is funnier and somehow a little less soul-crushing with Australian-accented, narrative) would take snippets of women’s performances in everyday work situations and provide play by play commentary about their skills and execution just like we do with athletes and sporting events.
The scene I keep imagining in my head goes like this…
An accomplished, high-performing, mid-career woman named Sally is in a work meeting with her male co-workers. They are brainstorming ideas for how to bring a new product to market. The conversation is going well. Ideas are flowing. She’s using appropriate body language and eye contact to show she is taking her “seat at the table” but isn’t being overly commanding. She is prepared. She’s dressed to perfection. Then she throws out a totally brilliant idea - real breakthrough thinking.
Poor Sally - If she was free to act like a human vs. a cyborg, she’d be showing her emotion via body language like this after her co-workers ignore her idea. And, not rely on the Working Women’s Guide To Giving Good Face in 2019 above.
Something odd happens. None of the men respond. She repeats her idea using different words thinking maybe she just didn’t state it the best way possible but everyone is silent for a second. Three seconds later her male co-worker Ben speaks up to articulate the same idea - using slightly different words. The room erupts in accolades. What a great idea! Such a game changer. And, the conversation pivots to figuring out how to implement the idea.
She is sitting there in stunned silence. Unsure of what just happened. She begins to shrink in her seat a little more. She is upset. Her face feels warm and tears are stinging the back of her eyelids. She doesn’t know if she should stop the meeting and be “radically candid” or show her authentic emotion or praise her co-worker for collaborating. It’s a sticky wicket.
Pause scene: Enter our Australian commentators. Here is how their narrative would go…
Aussie speaker 1: Here we have Sally. She’s in a channel marketing meeting. Getting ready to discuss her ideas. She’s well prepared. She spent several hours last night brainstorming and writing.
Aussie speaker 2: Yes, look at that form. Perfectly dressed. Using good body language. She’s in command of herself and they seem to be accepting her as a peer.
Aussie speaker 2: But, her idea didn’t go over so well. No one even responded. However, Sally maintained composure. She’s really developed those skills over the years.
Aussie speaker 1: Yes, and she tried to recover quickly. She pulled a “Restate”. What a solid shot! Maybe the rest of the team didn’t hear her idea before because she used the wrong words.
Aussie speaker 1: Right but it didn’t work. She was blocked by a blatant “Mansplain Steal”. What a low blow! Unfortunately in this league, perfectly legal. Sally looked quite unsure after that move.
Aussie Speaker 2: Yes, Magda, you are right. She’s started losing her physical composure. This could go badly. I see red cheeks. And, slumped shoulders. We can only hope she recovers using either a “Pretend It Didn’t Happen” move or in the total other direction with a “Stop The Meeting, What The Hell Just Happened” play.
Aussie Speaker 1: Looking at this field, I think it would be risky for her to go with a “Stop The Meeting Play”. She could also go with a “Great Idea, Ben” run to get herself back in the game. It’s a tough call.
Unpause scene: We go back to Sally to see which play she picks next.
As Sally is sitting there trying to figure out what to do, her co-workers have already started planning next steps. She proceeds to gather her composure and come back in to the conversation - interjecting with a strong tone, that she would like to run this project. This time everyone in the room miraculously hears her words plain as day and gladly lets her take the reins and the risk:) of being the executor and accountable party for Ben’s brilliant idea.
The meeting adjourns and everyone walks out except Sally. She sits in her seat for about a minute afterwards. Not sure if she won or lost but she loves her work and has put in a lot to make it to this point. So she takes a deep breath, shuts her computer, silently urges herself onward, and lives to fight another day.
Back to our commentators to complete narrating the scene…
Aussie speaker 1: WOW, Sally is an absolute pro. Would you look at that play “Exposing My Value Through Action!” In retrospect, it was the only play that could have worked.
Aussie Speaker 2: Absolutely, she may not get credit for the idea but she will definitely get credit for leading and achieving or have to accept the consequences of missing the mark. Smart.
Aussie Speaker 1: I wouldn’t chalk this one up as a win for Sally but we will call it a draw. She’s still attached to the project in an important way, she maintained her composure so her personal brand didn’t suffer, and she walked away showing commitment despite not getting the respect she deserves.
Aussie Speaker 2: True. But, I think we all know that in this crazy game, we just never know how we are going to come out. Even with all the prep, practice, patience, and perseverance in the world, it’s one of the hardest games in the world to win. Good on ya, Sally! Can’t wait to see you back out there on the pitch for the next match.
End scene.
So ladies and gentlemen that’s it. That’s my attempt to use humor to shed light on a not so funny situation. This exact thing actually happened to me once. Where I said something (a really good idea), and no one else said a word. Not even a minute later a more senior male member of the team restated my idea as his own and everyone got excited. I was pretty junior in my career at the time so it stung. But, I’m used to it now and have a whole bunch of plays I can use à la my fictional universe up above to deal with it.
Do you all have any stories of how you played this game and how it turned out - the good, the bad and the ugly?
