The Biggest Thing I Learned In 2018...

Don't Confuse Being Alone With Loneliness

At the beginning of my divorce, I felt like I was standing at a cliff’s edge looking down into a bottomless abyss. That abyss was calling me to jump in after the shadow of my marriage. If I did, I knew I’d be lost to my own madness - grief, embarrassment, anger, shame, despair, longing for something that could never be. So, while it took all my strength and I sometimes still look back longingly, I turned my back and walked the other way.

On a new path. Alone. For almost a year and half, I’ve been alone. At first it caused me stress. I would find myself alone and think - This sucks. I need to be doing things with other people. I’m wasting my life. I’m going to be alone forever.

But, after a bit, I started to really look forward to my solitude. Because, I realized that while I may be alone, I was no longer lonely. I was lonely so much during my marriage but I was hardly ever alone. I got those two feelings mixed up in a haze of “trying to make it work”.

As 2018 draws to a close, I find I am rarely stressed about being alone. In fact, I look forward to it because I genuinely enjoy my own company. And, I am no longer lonely because I have hope that as I continue to walk on this new path, I will meet others who can walk alone and be content, and we might decide to walk side by side for awhile.